Dance With the Wind Fish
by Solidus Kirby
Summary: [WW] Meet Link, an overly-dramatic guy that is forced to enter a beauty contest. Will this zero rise to the top? Or will ugliness reign? SUSPENCE!


Me:You probably have no idea what this story is about. Don't you... (evil grin)   
Random guy: (cough) CRAZY. (cough)  
Me: My first fic... in a while. I tried doing Fanfiction before, Got beat up doing it.   
RG: HAHAHA!!!   
Lawyer: Ahem.   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda, the almighty Nintendo does... SO THERE!!!  
  
Lawyer: (hands me soy beans) Aye. n.n  
  


cue cheesy fanfare   
  
**THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: DANCE WITH THE WIND FISH!!!!**  


  
Reggie, the ass kicking name taker: Why the Wind Fish?   
Me: Because... LA was my favorite Zelda. So mystical.  
  


**0.o**  


_Chapter One: WTF is going on_**  
__**Cue that song you hear in the Legend... thing/  


  
_ There was once this Kingdom... there were ugly people in it. It's name...  
Hyrule.  
  
It was called the land of the ugly for a reason... most of it's population  
was ugly. There was this most beautiful queen, but unfortunately, she  
married the ugliest man EVAR.  
  
Her off springs were named Zelda... I dunno why, I don't have the instruction manual for Zelda 2. The Zeldas were amazingly ugly. They looked bald at  
10, and looked drunk by the age 16/17/whatever.  
  
There was a beauty pageant held for only the beautiful people, There were usually 5 contestants. On the beauty pageant's 10th year, an ugly man by  
the name Ganondorf Dragmire, came to win the beauty pageant. The only thing was... HE WAS FREAKIN' UGLY!!!!! The people were frightened at this.  
He got mad, and did some BAD stuff. A sexy little kid pulled out the Master Sword and traveled 7 years into the future. Hyrule in the future  
was ruled by ugly people... since Ganon killed all the other contestants. But the kid became so sexy when he was older, he won the contest, and made  
Ganon idiotically lock himself in a seal. What a moron. _=D   
_  
The ugly dude eventually broke out of the seal, The Goddesses sealed Hyrule so he wouldn't rule it, or destroy it, and told some dudes to go in the mountains to make a new generation. Whee. It was customary on an island that young boys that reached the age twelve, that they dress up in green dresses, and compete in the beauty pageant.  
  
The old people only wished that one was as beautiful as the hero of the  
legend... Meh, too bad..._

****** :(**

******   
**_"Okay children... recite your lines carefully. Joe, no stabbing people with the sticks," Ms. Marie chirped.  
_  
'What the? What the freak is going on?'  
_  
"Link, you're up," Mrs. Marie said, forcing a smile. There was a hint of malice in her eyes. A small blonde boy with soft green eyes looked up._  
  
'NOOO, NOT THIS AGAIN. I'VE HAD THIS DREAM FOR 4 MONTHS STRAIGHT. I WAS ONLY EIGHT, HOW SHOULD I REMEMBER THIS???'  
_  
Link looked up weakly. He hated plays. They were full of LIES. And most of all, they were doing the "Hero of Time" play. He hated being the princess, he was the girliest boy around for miles. His girlish figure made it so that he would always play the girls in a play. That sucked greatly._  
  
'Hey wait, this is a dream. I can totally defy the laws of my goody two- shoed nature.'  
_  
Link pulled a sword out and slashed a random girl in the face. He then jumped up with amazing agility and aimed his sword at Ms. Marie's heart. "DIE, MORON!!!" After a dramatic pause, Ms. Marie pulled out a hand gun and loudly shouted, "DIIIIEEE BIATCH!!!!"_  
  
"AAAAAH!!!! WHAT THE FREAK IS GOING ON!!??" Link shook uncontrollably.  
  
"Sshh...." Grandma quietly whispered as she patted his head. "You'll disturb the cukoos..."  
  
Link's eyes flashed dangerously as he ran outside. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!!?? WHHYYY!!!?!?!!?" He sobbed at the sky as he yelled this, the rain began to pour harder.  
  
"Shuddap, ya looud bashtard..." Mesa said drunkly. He winked at Link. "Oh, whyyy helloo bee-yoo-tee-fool. Call meee..."  
  
Link collapsed in exhaustion, his orange pants clinging tightly to his frail shaking body. Lightning narrowly missed him, as he reached into his left pocket. "Gummy worms...." He squealed before passing out.  


/--Da next Dayzorz/--

  
"Link, ya sick moron, where art thou?" Aryll whipped around wildly dressed in a pumpkin suit. She tripped over his limp body trying to attract seagulls. "SEAGULLS, COME TO MEE!!!!" she muttered as her eyes turned crimson. "Oh, there you are," she said in her own annoying way. She started to pet Link. "Niiice Link... Good Link..." Finding out that he was unconscious, she swiftly pulled a gummy worm out of his pocket.  
  
"MY GUMMY WORM!!!! YOU'RE LUCKY THAT GRANDMA FEEDS YOU, SHE ONLY LETS ME EAT PAPER!!!" Link barked as his eyes shot open. "I think that I... broke my... skull again..."  
  
"Onii-chan, you're so funny," Aryll said, giggling as she playfully punched his head. He started to BLEED, OH YES...... BLEEEEED.... ahem "Aw, c'mon. Today's your... BISHOUNEN DAY!!! Yes, you finally become a bishy and compete in the beauty pageant.  
  
'I wish this was like in the other birthdays.... Where they called them birthdays instead...' His thoughts were soon interrupted as an unbearable jolt of pain erupted in his head. "MY BRAIN BURRRNNZZZ!!!!!" He twitched violently. Aryll only laughed hysterically at this, before being shot by the police with a tranquilizer.  
  
"CLEAR THE AREA, FOLKS!!!! THIS GIRL IS A MANIAC!!!! ALONG WITH HER OVERLY-DRAMATIC BROTHER!!!!" The police officer put down his mega phone as he ran to Link's side, Bay Watch style. o.o; "You okay, son?"  
  
Link jumped on the officer and beat the freaking crap out of him. "I'll take that as a yes," the police man mumbled weakly before falling into the ocean. A group of Gyorgs slowly approached him tearing out his flesh. A loud girly scream followed as Link sweat-dropped.  
  


/--At the House... Place thing... coughs /--  


  
"Oh Link, I haven't seen you in years...."  
  
"You saw me yesterday."  
  
"You don't saaay...."  
  
And so, the boring conversation insues.....  
  
5 hours later  
  
Grandma finally looked up. She smashed a beer bottle over her slumbering grandson's head. "Orca and me did it good last night, however, I had to make soup while doing it with him..." She pulled out some soup... it looked nasty. "I have been waiting for this day," she announced, "The day that you would compete in the beauty pageant that has been around for centuries. I'm so proud!!!" She wrapped her arms around Link's neck, intentionally choking him.  
  
"Ugh...you...I...why..." he managed to get out. "You know, it would be a LOT easier to breath if you would just quit talking. Eat yo soup foo'!!!!" Grandma said before handing him the bottle and a badly sewn green tunic. Link barfed all over his Grandma's shirt. "Sorry, I snuck some beer out last night." "Good, your learning life the right way." Link put on the tunic, the second he did, he started to shake violently with his whole life flashing before his eyes.  
  
"Sorry, these clothes aren't seizure-proof like your other ones," She said alpogetically. Or at least TRIED to say alpogetically. After stabbing him with a fork, she quickly threw him out of the house. "Bitch..." Link muttered.  


  
/--OUTSIDE DA PLACE. YEAH. /--  


  
"'SUP FOO'!!!" Joel screamed in Link's ear. "WHUZZUP WIT DAT GETTTUP, YO? DA BOOTY PAGEANT IZ THE LAMEZORZ!!!! I DIGGITY-DIGGETY TRIED IT B4, BUT I IZ THE PHAILL3D!!! I PHAIL3D AT LIFE!!! Joel broke down, sobbing hysterically as Link backed away. Despite Joel's looks, he was actually 18, and stole from the old people. He killed his trainer, and decided to live on a bridge for all eternity. Killing trainers was an instant disqualification from the pageant, making him a loner.  
  
"WHAR YA GOIN' FOO'?!? COOME BAAAACK, FOO'!!!!!" Link climbed a steep mountain, which was conveniently placed near the bridge. By doing this, he ran into a spike that jutted out of the stupid mountain. The island mayor placed it there so the goats wouldn't escape. Amazingly, it worked.  
  
Link fell on the lookout tower, killing 5 seagulls and a Dr Pepper can. "LINKY, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THIS LAME PRESENT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!" Aryll screamed. Link stood up, waved half consciously, and fell on the telescope. AGAIN, he killed 5 seagulls, but instead of a Dr Pepper can, there was cherry cola. And some lame telescope was totally destroyed, too.  
  
Audience: Oooh, Aaah... SUSPENCE!!!!  
  
"WAAAH, YOU KILLED MY PRESENT!!!!" Aryll screamed, kicking her brother's body.  
  
"Suicide is the only option, suicide is the only option, suicide is the only option..." He started to whisper to himself. "WAAAH!!!! ONII-CHAN, A GIRL KIDNAPPED THE POLICE'S BIRD!!!" Aryll yelled.  
  
Link slowly got up. He stumbled over a few dead bodies, and slumped over the rail. The police ship was chasing a girl, who was carrying an unconscious bird on her uberly gigantic raft. "YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME, COPPERS!!! NEEEVVVAAARRR!!!!" The police boat started to throw rocks at the girl's raft, all rocks missing the raft by a mile. Just as she was passing the Look out tower, a rock crashed into it, and the tower collapsed unto the girl's raft. "MOMMY!!!!" she screamed as she was launched into the sky and landed painfully in the forest. "Dun worry," A police guy with a gigantic nose said to them, "The tree police will get 'er. But just in case... YOU, LITTLE MAN, CHECK ON HER!!! Whose the sword guy here?" Link dramatically pointed to Orca and Sturgeon's house. The dude with the big nose shot Orca in the face with an arrow, and stole his sword. "There. She's a tough un, so if she gets a lil' crazy, ya stab her. Ya hear?" Link nodded dumbly as he jumped out of the now wrecked tower. He limped to the forest before falling 6 times. It sucks to be him.  
  


/--In da Punky Forest/--  


  
(cue "Forest of Illusion" music)  
  
Link walked into the forest, only to be mauled by bokoboblins. "DIE, ASS FACES!!!!" He shouted before destroying everything in his path. "ATTENTION, ATTENTION, ATTENTION, ATTENTI—" Link destroyed the tree that was making that noise, before turning to the biggest tree in the forest. "Ungh... I feel dizzy." The girl said. She slowly looked around before finding that she had been caught.... BY NONE OTHER THAN THE (dun dun dun duuuun....) TREEEE POLIIICE MASTER!!!!! "ATTENTION, ATTENTION, ATTENTION.." Tetra got out her knife, cutting the tree branch. "ATTENTION, YOU JUST CUT MY ARM OFF!!! ATTENTION, ATTENTION—"  
  
Link stabbed the tree police master, and licked the sap off his sword. "I hate the sound of attentions in the afternoon..." He said to no one in particular. Tetra looked at him. She then tackled him, stabbing him exactly 5 ½ times. He didn't seem to notice. "You must be that bird kidnapping loner moron, Tetra," He said, getting up. "Hi, I'm Link." Dramatic music started to play in the background as Link got into a dramatic pose. Tetra went behind a bush and threw squirrel urine at him. He STILL didn't notice. "I was abused as a child...." He took a dramatic pause, "...And I still am now. I enjoy peanuts.... Sooo majestic..." He narrowed his eyes, "...Yet life has deceived me... and like always, I get my peanuts taken away from me... never to see them again..."  
  
Gonzo, the police guy with the big nose, came barging in. The entrance teleported right infront of Link and Tetra, leaving Gonzo to fall through a crack due too an earthquake. Tetra merely rolled her eyes and said, "You are now both officially my slaves."  
  
Gonzo's head popped out of the hole as Link's eye's widened in shock. "SLAVES!?" They both said. Link collapsed on the ground, sobbing. His self esteem just lowered 3 points. Gonzo saw a deku scrub and ate it heartily. All three went outside the forest, Link in a shocked emotional state, Gonzo covered in Deku scrub blood, and Tetra wanting to kill them both.  
  
"Big Brother!!" Aryll waved from the other side of the bridge, throwing bombs at Link each time he blinked. "ATTENTION, ATTENTION!!!" screeched the police bird as it grabbed Aryll. "YOU HAVE BEEN ACCUSED WITH THE MURDER OF MR. DOG." Aryll cheerfully said, "Yay, I'M GOING TO JAIL!!! THIS... IS ... AWESOME!!!" Link, still dazed from the bombs idiotically fell down the cliff, only to be caught by Tetra. "I don't let my slaves die." She said, not caring that Gonzo was trying to jump down the cliff so she could save him. Tetra forgot that she was freakishly weak, and they both dramatically plummeted down the cliff. Gonzo smirked slightly and rejoiced, "TETRA AND LINK JUST GOT.... OWN'D!!!!!"**********  
  
****!AUTHOR'S NOTES!**  
  
Yo whazzup? It wasn't really that funny. I think the next chapter will be funnier. THE FREAKIN' FORTRESS IS UP. Link shall meet another contestant of the beauty contest there... Meet his trainer, and do./... DUN DUN DUN DUUUUN... BORING CRAP!!! Good for you. Bad for Link.. (puts on Goron Tunic) Eh... flames will kill me if I don't.   
  
Oh... You should know some stuff too. Onii-chan=Big brother... I think. I mean, they must know SOME Hyrulean language... and Hylian Language is basically... I dunno, Japanese. I is teh bored. . 


End file.
